Jupiter Ascending – review

Jupiter Jones may think she is a lowly toilet cleaner but in fact she is the genetic reincarnation of a queen of a space dynasty, whose new inheritance brings with it a universe of  trouble including Oedipus-ing children. Good job she has loyal dog/human hybrid with space roller skates to watch her back.

Jupiter Ascending is a hot mess. There is no other way to classify it. Not saying that I didn’t enjoy it, because I did, I just don’t know if I should.

The plot makes no sense, going from point a to point b, without the audience really knowing what is going on or why. But it does look very pretty.

The dialogue is pretty bad, like George Lucas wrote it while he was drunk bad. But there are space roller skates and these are the best invention ever.

The earth stuff is set in Chicago, I know this because of the diamond shaped building only. I know this because of Adventures In Babysitting There are many, many other planets and space ships, which while they look pretty are shoddily constructed. (Seriously these planets need a heath and safety act, they fall apart quickly).

 

Main character Jupiter is supposed to be like Dorothy, swept off into a whole new world. Hence the blue and white gingham, get it?  She does a lot of falling. Well, falling and being kidnapped. She doesn’t like technology. And would get on well with Mr Grey. She makes me think of Superman in this scene.

And she has more costume changes that Padme in Episode I and II combined. Her incest wedding dress will be destined for cosplay greatness. But I should point out that Dorothy had a thing for The Scarecrow and not Toto…

 

Toto is topless in as many scenes as his contract would allow. 

He is an engineered dog human hybrid, (but dogs don’t have elf ears). I didn’t  actually notice until about an hour in that he has fangs too.

I was probably too distracted by the space roller skates. Maybe these should be in Magic Mike XXL? It would add an extra dimension to the dance numbers for sure.

He also gets wings, I have no idea how or why but he does. 

 

There are plenty of crazy creatures who are evil, such as the red shirts from The Fifth Element and Peter Pettigrew.  There is even an real life hot tub time machine.

 

One of the strangest things is this mobile space toilet made of gold.  That has a really angry person attached to the front of it.

 

The mechanic from Speed Racer has gotten himself another job. And the girl from Belle is some sort of space bear/human hybrid.

 

There is also space Chuck Bass. The rule of everyone evil is English is maintained.

There is even a space Dyson. Eddie Redmayne shout whispering his was way through camp villainy.  

Basically if you mix Prince Charles with a sack of glitter you get Balem Abrasax. 

 

The fight scene between Tatum and Sean Bean is enjoyable but many of the larger chase scenes are so big and blurry you can’t see whats going on. 

Unfortunately Jupiter Ascending has confirmed that The Matrix was the exception and not the rule when it comes to The  Wachowskis film making. The story is too convoluted to follow. (I’ve watched it 2.5 times and I’m starting to learn characters names.) And the dialogue can be unintentionally bad.

 

Yet there is stuff to like here.  It really isn’t as bad as its been portrayed. Yes it is far, far from perfect but that ridiculousness becomes part of its charm.   If nothing else it looks good, a lot of effort has gone into production design. It passes the Bechdel Test. And its an original piece of sci-fi that isn’t a sequel or a remake, that happens to have a female lead.

I would like to see Jupiter save herself a bit more often rather than be rescued though. Give her her own pair of space boots so she can skate away from kidnap at least. 

 

I haven’t  even mentioned the trip to Gringots to get a certificate of monarchy. The obsession with mothers, or why Jupiter goes back to cleaning toilets when she could be ruling the universe.