Most disappointing movies of 2016

A few of these movies are terrible, others I just wanted to be better.

Lights OutThere might be a few decent jump scares and some good use of coloured light, but what Lights Out has to say about mental illness is pretty terrible. *Spoiler* Life will be better for everybody if you just killed yourself. 

See The Babadook for doing it better. 

 

The Neon Demon

What does it mean? Probably nothing, but it sure does look pretty. Modelling is a dog eat dog world. Get it, get it, nudge, nudge. Yeah mate we get it. My recommendation – it is a better film watched with the sound off.

Huntsman Winters WarI’m sure most of you have already forgotten about this hot mess of a sequel nobody asked for but I remember.

I remember the owl version of cctv. Wish it was real.

I also would like if somebody could recut the film with all the huntsman stuff taken out, because these two are boring as drying paint.

Just leave us the sisters in their precious metals, throwing shade at everyone else. 

Nine LivesI don’t know what dirt somebody has on Kevin Spacey but it must be something serious to get him to make this cat movie.

The quality of his cat acting is one thing, cat suicide is something else. 

Jennifer Garner must have a lot of bills to pay, she has been in some right old rubbish this year, Nine Lives included. 

Suicide Squad

Suicide Squad will be taught in film school in the future, exactly how not to make a movie. It has maybe one redeeming feature, character design. Everything else about it is truly dire, such a disappointment.

Here are a few reasons why it is so bad (but not all of them, haven’t got all day)

An over reliance on helicopter crashes. There isn’t even that many in Black Hawk Down.

A bad guy that stands and dances for the whole movie. Not to mention kissing minions into rock people and putting her brothers head through a mirror.

These dance moves … and these dance moves … not forgetting these dance moves …

The dialogue is written by monkeys on a typewriter. Thank heavens for Will Smiths prevailing hero complex that he manages to make the only somewhat engaging character in this mess. But it is this line of dialogue that really takes the biscuit. 
It would have been really nice if somebody had actually picked up a copy of Mad Love. Suicide Squad isn’t really Harley Quinn and The Joker we want or need. Good luck with Gotham City Sirens.

Pipe down Leto, your Mr J isn’t all that scary/creepy/funny. He is just a dude with lots of spare time to colour his hair and sharpie his face. Having to put up with all the posturing and posing of Jared Leto for a year, for only 15 minutes of screen time. I’m embarrassed, he is embarrassed. (Well, he should be.)

 

What was the point of this guy? One line, rubbish powers, no introduction and not famous. We never would have guessed he would be first to go, it isn’t like we have seen a movie before.

Or her? She isn’t bad. Or military, but they need someone with a sword because all the action scenes are people shooting guns across a street/building/train station. 

Or him, why bother paying for Scott Eastwoods pretty face if you make him stand at the back all the time?

And when they got a bit bored halfway through and I thought I’d fallen asleep because this evacuation scene appeared from nowhere.

 

The whole purpose of the squad is to take down superpowered threats, like if Superman went on a red kryptonite bender but really it would have trouble with a large paperbag.

This guy is powered by his Australian accent

A girl with a bat and maybe an oversized mallet

and a crocodile fella in a velor tracksuit just won’t cut it.

Remember Justin Biebers dead eyed stare? That was me after I’d seen Suicide Squad. Cold eyed, dead inside, all life drained from me.