50 Shades Of Grey – review

50 Shades Of Grey is the most successful fan fiction ever written, putting author E L James on the rich list, by making £75mil in 4 years. So essentially it’s Twilight but substituting sadomasochism with being a vampire.

The obvious similarities between the two are all there. The hero is not much as a hero. The only acting required is to be mysterious and quietly brood. This is a win for Pattinson, although at times they both look like they might puke.

The heroine is unnecessarily clumsy, in order to make her require rescue. This is another win for Twilight as the fake fall within the first 5 minutes of 50 Shades was worse than watching premier league football.

In Twilight all the boys in Forks fancy Bella, within about 2 minutes of meeting her, even though she is standoffish and emo. In 50 Shades all the boys fancy Anna, and try making a move even thought she clearly has heart eyes for Christian. 

In Twilight the scene where Edward is all ‘tell me what I am?’ is also in 50 shades, when Christian is buying cable ties and rope. ‘tell me what I am? Er a knot enthusiast maybe?

They both love playing the piano in a poorly lit room.

The scene where Edward runs up and down trees really fast, takes place in a glider in 50 shades.

Obviously they picked cheap, unknown actors. Not named actors would want to be in a movie whose selling point is sex scenes, right?

But there are recognisable actors in supporting roles. Anastasias mother is Lizzie Bennet.Her Dad is Cylon model number two. Christians butler guy is a jaeger pilot from Pacific Rim. And Rita Ora appears, speaks French, then goes away again. 

What do we learn about Christian Grey? He is completely OCD.

He is kinda dull, if he wasn’t in a nice suit and had Scrooge McDuck levels of money, Anna would keep on walking, it’s not like she doesn’t have other offers.

In addition to being OCD and dull, he is also a possessive stalker that has no notion of personal space. (Just like Edward).

The gender inequality present in Hollywood is in 50 shades, Dakota Johnson having to show waaay more skin than Jamie Doran has to. For the majority of the scene Christian is wearing jeans while Anna has her chiff chaff out. Seems a little unfair to me. Don’t be thinking you’ll be seeing anything other than a butt cheek, from him anyway.. 

If truth be told Christian is a bit rubbish, maybe its because Dornan isn’t much of an actor, maybe its because the two leads really dislike each other in real life, but without that Audi R8 there is no swoon. 

 

His one redeeming feature, is that he holds her hair back when she pukes. This is a win.

 

Anastasia fares better, Johnson managing to inject a little bit more personality and likability into her character despite the cliches. When we first meet her she is so innocent she is wearing floral and Paddington Bears blue duffel coat. Even her vest and pants are 1950s innocent.  But well played to her, she gets tickled by a peacock for her troubles And not a Katy Perry peacock, just a feather and she gets a car for it. Seriously, well played, she can get everything she wants in return for occasional blindfolded sexytime. If she doesn’t want to do it she could say no, after all. She has totally hustled him, she could probably ask for cashy money and he would hand that over too. 

 

All the best scenes take place in an elevator, much like Terminator 2. If there is an elevator there is tension, drama and genuine connection between the characters.  

And most of all there is a distracting Rorschach test.